~Crush Fatal~I fell in love at the age of ten/ Had this idea...it's killing me/Infatuation and simplicity/Crushing hard with my TV/Our perfect worlds they crumble from the inside out/Leaving a bitter shell where my ghost resides/Sleep through these days/In dreams of great saves/I awake these nightmares seem so real/Pass all this time/Just to kill the time/It kills us just the same/Searchparty to the dying crew/We received soft kisses as we slept/Run our fucking mouths off once again/All we wanted was a four letter word/
One word holds a dictionary/ It's meaning fades as the pages turn~Thank you Wunder Years. I knew i said that would be the end, but because I'm weak and sad and lame I felt as if this was not emo enough for me to write in my new blog. I've been sad for a year and about 3 months now. Somewhere in my upbringing I was programed to be dependent, to search for love in anything, to desire to be cared for by anyone, and to be weak. So when I am analyzed by someone I don't pay to do so, I feel unloved. When I am imperfect to those around me, those i don't even know, I crumble. Therepy still consists of talking about Taylor. I'm getting nowhere. This herbal shit isn't making me feel better. I'm at the point where I just want the hard stuff, so that i can artificially feel better. I hate artificiality of anything, yet I crumble to the fact that I'm not even happy with myself. I've had bad thoughts, that won't get me anywhere. I've been miserable. I still fucking love him, because I'm not used to any other. I'm trying to move on, yet apparently my choices count for shit. I don't want to be analyzed anymore. I just want to be better. No one wants to feel like shit, and i'm no exception. I'm done. I just done. Done with it all. I want to give up, i want to give it all up.

This will be the last entry in this blog. God forbid I expose the internet community to my compelling nausea. Really, I'd like to thank you for taking your time to expose my flaws, and help me to realize that too many people are taking me for granted. I have a made light of the fact that people seem to think that they can say things that hurt me, but its ok, because i've been hurt before. So, my resolution to this is to, end this journal and begin a new one, for which i will not share the address with. This was intended for me, with original hopes that Taylor would read the entries and come to his senses. It was a cry for help. But, now that he is gone, and in the past, it is time for this to be retired, and a new one begun. I have my issues, we all know this. That is why i write. To vent. I don't do it to show off the fact that I know proper grammar, saying that is just ignorant. It is my priviledge to read others' blogs, as i feel it is their privilidge to read mine. I dont feel as if its fair that my opnions and ideals should be rudely ripped to shreds, as if i'm a person who is insignificant. The poet, I am not.NEver have I said that I am an award winning poet, nor do i aspire to be. I am a person too. I have feelings. I was quite disrespected, and yes, i care. This upsets me. I am a caring person, and I have been taken for granted. I had thoughts that people who didn't know me, wouldn't pass judgement on me, i was proved wrong. I was told to not care about this. However, my feelings were hurt to an unsatisfactory point, and I have to work harder than ever to regain my self-confidence that I lack in the first place. Answers reside in the darkness of what lies ahead. Goodbye all, I'm lucky that I'm not as depressed as I used to be, or I would be in much more pain than most could endure. Hope to those who dream, and love to those who have lost.

Yum, yum, candy. So, i just finished dance concert number two of three. One more to go, and I'm definatly not happy about it. As I've previously mentioned, dancing, well...performing makes me happy. And I don't want it to be over, I know I'll just have to wait until next december to do so again, and I don't want to wait that long. Anyways, as much as I enjoy performing, last night, I saw Taylor and my mod changed dramatically. It was very odd. Maybe it was the shock, seeing him there, thinking about how he does care. In some ways I was beyond happy that he was there, and in others, i was sad he was. Because it would have been nice to have finished the performance then ran over to him and given him the biggest hug, with the biggest kiss. But I couldn't, so it was playing with my head. I found out some things about him that i wanted to know, I just didn't want it to be the actual truth. I thought that what we had and what we did was special to him, and it was meaningful. Yet, somehow, I guess I was wrong, caught up in the midst of things, I disillusioned myself once again, into believeing something that was false. I think it meant something to him for awhile, but, once it became casual, it just became casual, and that is that. I don't want this to be reality right now. Things get better, then get worse, then better, and its one big circle that has its moments, but definatly has its downs. Whatever, no one i going to be around this summer, it looks like its just going to be me. How fun, cuz thatz exactly what i fucking need. Whatever, maybe I'll just be even MORE emo, go to shows alone and meet people. Theres an idea. Anyhow, I'm guessing Nate is gone again, but I've got no clue. They've totally taken him off of the aberdien website, if that means anything, but maybe they were just being nicer to the other dude, i forget his name. Anyhow...Nick Levy liked me, then made a huge effort to ignore me and act as if i weren't alive, then he wrote me the sweetest e-mail, ohmygod, if i liked him, i would have been swept away, and now he's ignoring me again. This is so odd. he's a big sketchy kid. Taylor thought he looked like Jesus, I'm amused. Anyhow...I took benadryl this morning and I was really sleepy throughout the rest of the day. I got a little confused, I thought benadryl was the day one and sudafed was the night one. So i felt blonde. Oh well. I visited a lot of middle school teachers today, since we basically had a day off. It was nice to see them, tell them whatz new. Anyways...i'm sick and feel like shit. so this is enough blog for one day. it was nice to talk to taylor for so long one night, a couple nights ago. I'm so happy that jen came to my dance performance, i love her. GPG! YEAH FUCKING Awesome!

Well, my time has been so taken up with dance, that i've had hardly the chance to breathe. Its so frustrating! But Chacha says it will pay off cuz she and Joel are coming! I'm excited about this is really am! So...lately, Nick Levy has been way too into me and its quite annoying. He likes to call me, and I don't know why. Its bothersome. Oh well. I had an awesome time at the show last night. I talked to a dude from Fairweather, the really hot basist, ohmygod i wanted to kiss him. A dream to be fulfilled...haha. I hung out with Steve-o, and Kevin and such, nice boys, good pals of mine. I was having a hard time with my feelings and actions with Taylor so I decided that it would just be easier to not think too much about it. But by doing that, i think it made it more like I was thinking too much. But- what could i do? I have to pretend, i have to show a front because I have no other choice, until some type of friendship shows up that Taylor actually puts some effort into. So there. I really want some good chinese food right now. That would be yummy. Andrew hasn't called me once this weekend, and I'm wondering if he's beginning to give up. I feel bad for the sweet boy, he really is a great guy, but i think it would be best for me to go for awhile, relationship-less. Too many boys too little time. Just too hectic. I liked hanging out with Kevin, he's a cool dude. And I'm actually glad I brought Kim along it was fun for her to be out somewhere. And I was most of all glad to be with Chacha, cuz we both had a lot of fun, which was unexpected cuz we both were having troubles with other people there...but we pulled through and ended up saying "whatever" to our issues and just having a great time. I saw Mr. Nathan. What a cute boy. What an asshole, but a cute boy anyway. I sure can pick the winners!!! Haha. Oh well, enough for now, I hope Nick doesn't call...and I kinda hope andrew does, cuz i want to be friends with him, he's a sweetheart. Well, i'm off to have some nice down time from dance and bonding time with dad, we're going to watch the Season Finale's of Felicity and Dawson's Creek from this past week.
My feelings are so mixed...:Back to back with fake smiles./Back to faking our smiles./Does it take the pain away?/Just to give the pain away?/We are young, so we can try, but we’ll never get it right./So let’s live it up but only for tonight, because we’ll ruin it.- The Stryder, they're amazing, I love the "king of corona"...good song. yahoo. i wish i felt better about things...i wish I were given reasons to...

I was reading my journal last night, and i looked away for a moment. I glancfe back at it and sitting next to me in a folded piece of paper that just makes itself known that it is the note i was looking for the day i got the journal back from Taylor. I'[m on the phone with Kim. I stop silent in my sentence and I stared at the piece of paper wondering if i really wanted to read it or not. So I take it, unfold it and see that its his beautiful cursive, in his usual pen, with the usual deafness to the letters he writes. I read the first words, and somehow I wasn't affected. Finding this note was more of a shock than the note itself. I knew what it said, before I even had to unfold it. It needn't be written, it was implied. It said nice things like "i'll always love you and care for you in the ways that I can", or "...and I'm stupid because I'm not trying to make it better", things taht he knew I'd want to hear. This note was written on 4/16/01. yesterday's date was 5/23/01. A long time has passed, with feelings hidden more than i could ever expect. Parts of me are still not believing this situation, where we stand, what he's doing, and so forth. Anyhow, I read the letter with an open mind, because I am fortunate to be able to think that way now. And I didn't cry. That is the main part. I agreed mostly with what it said, though i have feelings that i don't understand about it. I am however, saddened by the fact that that note probably wouldn't have been written with the same feelings, the same care and the same respect and even the same love that it did a month ago. Hell, today he wouldn't have wrtten it at all. There are more important things he has to deal with, besides me. So i guess he's dealing with them. He's dealing with Kelly and Counterstrike, and his summer plans and driving school, and things like this, that take much presidence over me. But I can't ask for anything, anymore. Theres no need to bother with asking, even if it were possible to. I have a new song i like listening to now, its "I'd like to live on the moon" by Ernie from Sesamie Street. Andrew let me borrow the cd. I think its fun. I'm in a good place right now, not being attached to anyone, and being able to flirt with anyone I want. Its fun, though I think Andrew doesn't realize that what we want are two different things. My neck and shoulders desperatly need a massage. I'm frustrated because it's so close to the summer, and everyone will be all over the place. I'm happy that I won't be tied down, though I'll miss it too. This wil be the first summer in 3 years that I will be without a boyfriend. Maybe this is a good thing, I still will be able to flirt with anyone I want. YAHOO! But still, my weak self, wouldn't mind being tied to Taylor again, for another summer. But enough of that, can't bore myself or anyone else with the sad truth that its over. I like so many people, its hilarious. I think that is good for me cuz I need to have fun. And I am. Josh just read my poems. And i'm going to go read his now. I think were becoming closer friends and I love it.

Well, last night I had a fine day, went to the psychologist, she said I'm coming along well, making lots of progress, she says I'm where I'm supposed to be with my condition. However, I don't feel fine. Last night, I was up until 12, realizing all the things that I've hidden from myself. The fact that I can't judge people for shit, I pick them, think they'll treat me right and then they leave me high and dry. All my close friends are turning into fuck-ups. I realized that I'm beginning to start liking guys that have girlfriends, so that I can like them and be all over them (looking like a bitch or not) but not be hurt by them, because they can't have feelings for me. I'm now a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises (figuritivly, and truthfully), and I dont' believe that I'm getting any better. This make screwed over #2 for Bonnie. How many more will I have to endure? More later, time for none other but dance...

Well well, so that was dinner, i guess. We played the, nothing happened game. But it was inevitable. I'm just gonna leave time to take its tolls. I can't be dealing with this. Too much to worry about, to have to deal with another friend not working out the way i would hope. So, we'll just see where we get. Dance is making me too busy. Brad i such a nice guy. I'm beginning to think that Eduardo's cult actually whipped these guys into real gentilmen. He offered to wait with me until my parents came to pick me up and he tok me out to dinner when we had a break from dance. Nice guy, sad that he's going back to Magruder. I think we'll all miss his wackyness. I'm beginning to like just being friends with guys. It makes it much nicer, and I still get the feeling that I'm wanted. I've been happy that I've kept so busy with dance. If i weren't busy i'd probably be in a deep hole right now. Karissa and I are sick of living where we live and we just want to run away. It's time for us to dissappear for awhile, we'll turn up again soon...overall it was a fine day. It's funny to see all of us come back on a Monday and tell about our weekends, a few of us got drunk, a few of us made out with close friends, a few of us spent all weekend at school dancing, and a few of us didn't do much of anything. So it was interesting. I have way too much homework to be writing this right now. I wish i had time, to express the feelings that I have right now, because they are plentiful. It is annoying. Well one of the stupid boys in my life just apologized for a bad bad bad joke...you must recall the one from Friday night...the mail incident. That was apparently a joke gone wrong, but I made this fellow sorry for what he did, so it is all good. Tata.