Dreams Come from Near and Far

2001-06-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

~Crush Fatal~I fell in love at the age of ten/ Had this idea...it's killing me/Infatuation and simplicity/Crushing hard with my TV/Our perfect worlds they crumble from the inside out/Leaving a bitter shell where my ghost resides/Sleep through these days/In dreams of great saves/I awake these nightmares seem so real/Pass all this time/Just to kill the time/It kills us just the same/Searchparty to the dying crew/We received soft kisses as we slept/Run our fucking mouths off once again/All we wanted was a four letter word/
One word holds a dictionary/ It's meaning fades as the pages turn~Thank you Wunder Years. I knew i said that would be the end, but because I'm weak and sad and lame I felt as if this was not emo enough for me to write in my new blog. I've been sad for a year and about 3 months now. Somewhere in my upbringing I was programed to be dependent, to search for love in anything, to desire to be cared for by anyone, and to be weak. So when I am analyzed by someone I don't pay to do so, I feel unloved. When I am imperfect to those around me, those i don't even know, I crumble. Therepy still consists of talking about Taylor. I'm getting nowhere. This herbal shit isn't making me feel better. I'm at the point where I just want the hard stuff, so that i can artificially feel better. I hate artificiality of anything, yet I crumble to the fact that I'm not even happy with myself. I've had bad thoughts, that won't get me anywhere. I've been miserable. I still fucking love him, because I'm not used to any other. I'm trying to move on, yet apparently my choices count for shit. I don't want to be analyzed anymore. I just want to be better. No one wants to feel like shit, and i'm no exception. I'm done. I just done. Done with it all. I want to give up, i want to give it all up.

2001-06-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

This will be the last entry in this blog. God forbid I expose the internet community to my compelling nausea. Really, I'd like to thank you for taking your time to expose my flaws, and help me to realize that too many people are taking me for granted. I have a made light of the fact that people seem to think that they can say things that hurt me, but its ok, because i've been hurt before. So, my resolution to this is to, end this journal and begin a new one, for which i will not share the address with. This was intended for me, with original hopes that Taylor would read the entries and come to his senses. It was a cry for help. But, now that he is gone, and in the past, it is time for this to be retired, and a new one begun. I have my issues, we all know this. That is why i write. To vent. I don't do it to show off the fact that I know proper grammar, saying that is just ignorant. It is my priviledge to read others' blogs, as i feel it is their privilidge to read mine. I dont feel as if its fair that my opnions and ideals should be rudely ripped to shreds, as if i'm a person who is insignificant. The poet, I am not.NEver have I said that I am an award winning poet, nor do i aspire to be. I am a person too. I have feelings. I was quite disrespected, and yes, i care. This upsets me. I am a caring person, and I have been taken for granted. I had thoughts that people who didn't know me, wouldn't pass judgement on me, i was proved wrong. I was told to not care about this. However, my feelings were hurt to an unsatisfactory point, and I have to work harder than ever to regain my self-confidence that I lack in the first place. Answers reside in the darkness of what lies ahead. Goodbye all, I'm lucky that I'm not as depressed as I used to be, or I would be in much more pain than most could endure. Hope to those who dream, and love to those who have lost.

2001-06-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yum, yum, candy. So, i just finished dance concert number two of three. One more to go, and I'm definatly not happy about it. As I've previously mentioned, dancing, well...performing makes me happy. And I don't want it to be over, I know I'll just have to wait until next december to do so again, and I don't want to wait that long. Anyways, as much as I enjoy performing, last night, I saw Taylor and my mod changed dramatically. It was very odd. Maybe it was the shock, seeing him there, thinking about how he does care. In some ways I was beyond happy that he was there, and in others, i was sad he was. Because it would have been nice to have finished the performance then ran over to him and given him the biggest hug, with the biggest kiss. But I couldn't, so it was playing with my head. I found out some things about him that i wanted to know, I just didn't want it to be the actual truth. I thought that what we had and what we did was special to him, and it was meaningful. Yet, somehow, I guess I was wrong, caught up in the midst of things, I disillusioned myself once again, into believeing something that was false. I think it meant something to him for awhile, but, once it became casual, it just became casual, and that is that. I don't want this to be reality right now. Things get better, then get worse, then better, and its one big circle that has its moments, but definatly has its downs. Whatever, no one i going to be around this summer, it looks like its just going to be me. How fun, cuz thatz exactly what i fucking need. Whatever, maybe I'll just be even MORE emo, go to shows alone and meet people. Theres an idea. Anyhow, I'm guessing Nate is gone again, but I've got no clue. They've totally taken him off of the aberdien website, if that means anything, but maybe they were just being nicer to the other dude, i forget his name. Anyhow...Nick Levy liked me, then made a huge effort to ignore me and act as if i weren't alive, then he wrote me the sweetest e-mail, ohmygod, if i liked him, i would have been swept away, and now he's ignoring me again. This is so odd. he's a big sketchy kid. Taylor thought he looked like Jesus, I'm amused. Anyhow...I took benadryl this morning and I was really sleepy throughout the rest of the day. I got a little confused, I thought benadryl was the day one and sudafed was the night one. So i felt blonde. Oh well. I visited a lot of middle school teachers today, since we basically had a day off. It was nice to see them, tell them whatz new. Anyways...i'm sick and feel like shit. so this is enough blog for one day. it was nice to talk to taylor for so long one night, a couple nights ago. I'm so happy that jen came to my dance performance, i love her. GPG! YEAH FUCKING Awesome!

2001-05-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

Well, my time has been so taken up with dance, that i've had hardly the chance to breathe. Its so frustrating! But Chacha says it will pay off cuz she and Joel are coming! I'm excited about this is really am! So...lately, Nick Levy has been way too into me and its quite annoying. He likes to call me, and I don't know why. Its bothersome. Oh well. I had an awesome time at the show last night. I talked to a dude from Fairweather, the really hot basist, ohmygod i wanted to kiss him. A dream to be fulfilled...haha. I hung out with Steve-o, and Kevin and such, nice boys, good pals of mine. I was having a hard time with my feelings and actions with Taylor so I decided that it would just be easier to not think too much about it. But by doing that, i think it made it more like I was thinking too much. But- what could i do? I have to pretend, i have to show a front because I have no other choice, until some type of friendship shows up that Taylor actually puts some effort into. So there. I really want some good chinese food right now. That would be yummy. Andrew hasn't called me once this weekend, and I'm wondering if he's beginning to give up. I feel bad for the sweet boy, he really is a great guy, but i think it would be best for me to go for awhile, relationship-less. Too many boys too little time. Just too hectic. I liked hanging out with Kevin, he's a cool dude. And I'm actually glad I brought Kim along it was fun for her to be out somewhere. And I was most of all glad to be with Chacha, cuz we both had a lot of fun, which was unexpected cuz we both were having troubles with other people there...but we pulled through and ended up saying "whatever" to our issues and just having a great time. I saw Mr. Nathan. What a cute boy. What an asshole, but a cute boy anyway. I sure can pick the winners!!! Haha. Oh well, enough for now, I hope Nick doesn't call...and I kinda hope andrew does, cuz i want to be friends with him, he's a sweetheart. Well, i'm off to have some nice down time from dance and bonding time with dad, we're going to watch the Season Finale's of Felicity and Dawson's Creek from this past week.
My feelings are so mixed...:Back to back with fake smiles./Back to faking our smiles./Does it take the pain away?/Just to give the pain away?/We are young, so we can try, but we’ll never get it right./So let’s live it up but only for tonight, because we’ll ruin it.- The Stryder, they're amazing, I love the "king of corona"...good song. yahoo. i wish i felt better about things...i wish I were given reasons to...

2001-05-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

I was reading my journal last night, and i looked away for a moment. I glancfe back at it and sitting next to me in a folded piece of paper that just makes itself known that it is the note i was looking for the day i got the journal back from Taylor. I'[m on the phone with Kim. I stop silent in my sentence and I stared at the piece of paper wondering if i really wanted to read it or not. So I take it, unfold it and see that its his beautiful cursive, in his usual pen, with the usual deafness to the letters he writes. I read the first words, and somehow I wasn't affected. Finding this note was more of a shock than the note itself. I knew what it said, before I even had to unfold it. It needn't be written, it was implied. It said nice things like "i'll always love you and care for you in the ways that I can", or "...and I'm stupid because I'm not trying to make it better", things taht he knew I'd want to hear. This note was written on 4/16/01. yesterday's date was 5/23/01. A long time has passed, with feelings hidden more than i could ever expect. Parts of me are still not believing this situation, where we stand, what he's doing, and so forth. Anyhow, I read the letter with an open mind, because I am fortunate to be able to think that way now. And I didn't cry. That is the main part. I agreed mostly with what it said, though i have feelings that i don't understand about it. I am however, saddened by the fact that that note probably wouldn't have been written with the same feelings, the same care and the same respect and even the same love that it did a month ago. Hell, today he wouldn't have wrtten it at all. There are more important things he has to deal with, besides me. So i guess he's dealing with them. He's dealing with Kelly and Counterstrike, and his summer plans and driving school, and things like this, that take much presidence over me. But I can't ask for anything, anymore. Theres no need to bother with asking, even if it were possible to. I have a new song i like listening to now, its "I'd like to live on the moon" by Ernie from Sesamie Street. Andrew let me borrow the cd. I think its fun. I'm in a good place right now, not being attached to anyone, and being able to flirt with anyone I want. Its fun, though I think Andrew doesn't realize that what we want are two different things. My neck and shoulders desperatly need a massage. I'm frustrated because it's so close to the summer, and everyone will be all over the place. I'm happy that I won't be tied down, though I'll miss it too. This wil be the first summer in 3 years that I will be without a boyfriend. Maybe this is a good thing, I still will be able to flirt with anyone I want. YAHOO! But still, my weak self, wouldn't mind being tied to Taylor again, for another summer. But enough of that, can't bore myself or anyone else with the sad truth that its over. I like so many people, its hilarious. I think that is good for me cuz I need to have fun. And I am. Josh just read my poems. And i'm going to go read his now. I think were becoming closer friends and I love it.

2001-05-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

Well, last night I had a fine day, went to the psychologist, she said I'm coming along well, making lots of progress, she says I'm where I'm supposed to be with my condition. However, I don't feel fine. Last night, I was up until 12, realizing all the things that I've hidden from myself. The fact that I can't judge people for shit, I pick them, think they'll treat me right and then they leave me high and dry. All my close friends are turning into fuck-ups. I realized that I'm beginning to start liking guys that have girlfriends, so that I can like them and be all over them (looking like a bitch or not) but not be hurt by them, because they can't have feelings for me. I'm now a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises (figuritivly, and truthfully), and I dont' believe that I'm getting any better. This make screwed over #2 for Bonnie. How many more will I have to endure? More later, time for none other but dance...

2001-05-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

Well well, so that was dinner, i guess. We played the, nothing happened game. But it was inevitable. I'm just gonna leave time to take its tolls. I can't be dealing with this. Too much to worry about, to have to deal with another friend not working out the way i would hope. So, we'll just see where we get. Dance is making me too busy. Brad i such a nice guy. I'm beginning to think that Eduardo's cult actually whipped these guys into real gentilmen. He offered to wait with me until my parents came to pick me up and he tok me out to dinner when we had a break from dance. Nice guy, sad that he's going back to Magruder. I think we'll all miss his wackyness. I'm beginning to like just being friends with guys. It makes it much nicer, and I still get the feeling that I'm wanted. I've been happy that I've kept so busy with dance. If i weren't busy i'd probably be in a deep hole right now. Karissa and I are sick of living where we live and we just want to run away. It's time for us to dissappear for awhile, we'll turn up again soon...overall it was a fine day. It's funny to see all of us come back on a Monday and tell about our weekends, a few of us got drunk, a few of us made out with close friends, a few of us spent all weekend at school dancing, and a few of us didn't do much of anything. So it was interesting. I have way too much homework to be writing this right now. I wish i had time, to express the feelings that I have right now, because they are plentiful. It is annoying. Well one of the stupid boys in my life just apologized for a bad bad bad joke...you must recall the one from Friday night...the mail incident. That was apparently a joke gone wrong, but I made this fellow sorry for what he did, so it is all good. Tata.

2001-05-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

A lot has been up lately. Its been a busy hectic weekend. I danced yesterday for too long! And today I have to go back and dance too much more. I just got back from the Paint Branch 5K run/walk. That was really fun, refreshing, and i enjoyed it a lot. I hung out with Lindsay and we chatted and all and it was nice. I talked to Becca too. A lot of our talk had to do with none other but Taylor. And hearing them tell me about how Becca has seen Taylor and his new girl, and she was confused cuz she didn't know, and Lndsay was talking about how he told her about Kelly online. As much as I try to not care, as much as I try to put it behind me, realize that there are so many more guys, guys that I haven't even met yet, I still want him. I try to flirt with other guys, and I do a fine job with that, I always have...i just stopped for awhile. Friday, I got wasted and was so dissappointed in myself, but its over now. I was ok later in the evening. I went to his show. I didn't want to but at the same time I did. I was glad I did though. I didn't have to deal with seeing him and his girl together, cuz she wasn't there. I had fun chillin' with Dillon, and I had fun just hanging out, and knowing that it was ok to be in the same room with him. I was glad he adknowledged my presence. But I wish I could have told him so much. The only thing is- I have told him and it just doesn't seem to matter. So...I came home and I had a hand-delivered letter dropped off. I'm not going to say who it was from, but whether or not it was supposed to be a joke, it wasn't, it hurt my feelings alot. I just say that it had an empty condom wrapper and a little note inside, from someone who I thought was a friend. I guess I was wrong. It hurts me to know that people think they can treat me any way they want and I'll be okay. Yesterday I just danced and danced, and I went to Sophia's show. I saw the old Chick Bait crew, and I also saw Blake. That was actually weird. I hung out with Rachel, who i brought with me, and Justin, and the Never Enough crew. Hanging out with them made me totally miss middle school, 7th grade especially. That was the best year. Chris and I had a fun time! But, i guess its time to step out of the past, and into the present, because it just doesn't look like Taylor and I are getting back together. I guess I'm going to have to call Taylor soon, but I really just don't want to right now. I don't feel at all wanted by him, in any respect, so I guess my shyness is kicking in. I never thought it would with him. But a lot of things have happened that I didn't think would happen, with him. I guess this is how life works. I say it can eat me. time to dance! dammit.

2001-05-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

Thought after thought rushes through my head right now. Right now, and for the past 12 hours. Taylor called me this morning at 2am. It was quite a shock. He said that he needed to start getting more sleep. Yesterday evening he told me that he and Kelly have been going out for a week. That hit hard. He asked me what I thought about it, as if anything i could have said would have changed anything. The fact is, nothing has changed. Day by day I feel like I hurt more. Because we're just not back together. I occupy my time otherwise, but it all eventually goes abck to him and how much i miss him. At this point I'm truly worried about him. He's slipping in school, skipping school, drinking again, doing many of the things that I frown upon. I didn't want to change him, i love him for the person he is, but he's good in school, he's smart if he'd pay attention, he's smart if he'd even go, and he stopped drinking, i thought, because he didn't find any point to it anymore. But here we are. He's got Kelly. He seems to be doing ok, he says. He says he's had enough time and is ready to start talkign to me again, ready to make a better friendship. He's calling the shots. I feel powerless. I can't help him, I can't tell him that I think I love him the most. I think I could make him the happiest. I can't tell him this, so I have to hope he reads it. The thought of him having sex with other people, really makes me sad, and knowing that he's sleeping over at other girls' houses, and that he has a new girlfriend, makes it worse. If it hasn't already happened. it will. He said that he woulnd't be going into another relastionhip anytime soon, but look at him now. MAybe time has gone by and he's moved on, maybe he's ok. But I'm not ok. A month is not long enough. I'm still in love with the one I've always been in love with. But I can't do anything about it, besides making the best friendship I could make with a person. The best part is, I already know him. Its like we've been friends for years and years, instead of just one. Maybe that's a good or bad thing. Who knows. Last night he said something that, I'm sure he meant nothing by, but it made me happy and sad at the same time. He said that a part of him really missed me. And I didn't knwo what to make of that. I should just let it go, because he just didn't mean anything by it, but it means something to me. He called me at 2am. because he knew he could. he knew i would talk to him. And that makes me feel like I did my duty as a friend. But this is quite a different job than i have been taking on previously. This is just so weird, so different, so sad, and i just have to deal with it, but that is no fun. oh well.I think about summer and CAlifornia and everything all of everything, and i'm just so frustrated that none of it wille ver come true. We had great plans, happy ones. Even if we both weren't happy, the pictures of us in DC are the most beautiful pictures i posess. I have one of just him and i'm taken by it. He's beautiful. He really is. And then the one of both of us, is just as beautiful. I'm still stuck on the fact that we can help each other. We can be here for each other. I'm getting better, realizing where i must put my foot down in order to keep control. I haven't cried much lately, except for when i got off the phone with Taylor after he told me about Kelly, and then again when I called Jen, but that was a special occasion. I want him to come to the dance concert i want him to see things that make me happy. I want him to realize that I am a happy person and I have help and friends and i can move on if i had to, but something is still keeping me steady.

The first blog i ever wrote, I revised and turned into my teacher today for a writing grade. I love it. It is truth, and it states my weakness loud and clear. Mark has just made the triangle (now rectangle) much clearer for all of them, and it turns out that he now likes Tara, and who knows what he actually feels for Kamissa and Tara. So this is crazy. Andrew and I really have not much to talk about. Oh no i'm singing Where my girls at. I wish i were as ccool enough to be ghetto. I have to go. I'm off to a nice evening with Maya and Robby, maybe we'll catch Taylor's show. Maybe not. I'd just be setting myself up for hurt again. And I don't think that i can handle it. But its ince to know that i"m still wanted. Feeling alone is no fun at alll. "love is another word for regret" these are words of truth.

2001-05-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

Kamissa has decided to draw me at this exact moment. So right now, i'm being transformed into art! yahoo! thatz awesome, i have the coolest best bud around! haha. well, Robby was sitting in Chemistry telling me all this shit about Kelly that I just didn't want to hear. Am I not supposed to care? I don't know her, so I'm not going to say shit, but of course thinking about it, i'm not going to be all "hey I would LOVE for some other girl [kelly] to be going out with my ex-boyfriend, who i just happen to still be very much in love with." Of course, I'm not going to want to hear about her, or her feelings about Taylor or any of that. I really felt like I was getting better, but then Taylor said he tried to call me and then he got online...the reason for calling- (cuz there wouldn't be a call, if there wasn't a reason, at least not these days) he needed me to wake him up. Of course, I, the girl who gives into every little thing, and does anything she thinks that would make other poeple happy, said i'd do it. And about 5 people yelled at me for it. Anyhow, I did it. So i woke him up way before i was going to get up myself, and then he decided he wouldn't even go to school. What happened to him? Is this the way he wants to be- not caring about school, getting C's and such, that he knows he's better than that. And why do i even care? I just don't know.
New subject. Lauren's and my dance GOT IN!!!!!! I'm sooo excited! Yes!! this made part of my day! the next happy part of my day is going to be the game, if we win. i will be happy if we do! I have a lot of people coming. Andrew is going to be there. He said to me today, " Let me just say that you look exceptionally beautiful today, as always." What a sweetheart. He's a nice boy. I wrote him a letter telling him a lot of stuff, and that seems to have gone over well. I just told Mark to stop whistling and i said something really dumb, and its all good. Haha i'm a dork. well i have tons of people coming to the game today and i'm mucho excited. oh we had the most fun fire drill ever today. We were in Eduardo's class and we acted like it was a real fire holding hands, staying close to the gruond in a straight line. it was hilarious!!! !haha got to go to dance!

2001-05-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Cha cha for posting the last two. Damn Blog. Not posting. Grrr...well my much-waited for softball game was cancelled today, god dammit. Oh well. Hopefully we'll play it tomorrow. I was gonna dress up and all. But I still stood up in meeting and make my cute announcement, Eduardo said I was very cute when i said it. I blushed. I'm the best suck up. haha. anyways...i'm not going to my Doctor tomorrow because of the hopeful postponement of the game. So that's no good, especially since things are getting better, or maybe that's just what I'm telling myself. Andrew has started being so clingy I can't stand it. Maybe this is what Taylor felt like. But its like where I am, he's right next to me, if he's around. And the good thing is, its not cool for freshmen to be in the lounge, so its safe for me to be there! Oh well, he's a cool kid, but its like i'm not ready. I was having fun flirting around. Practicing my skills. Haha. Poor Ray is sad, and I don't knwo why. I want to help. Maybe he'll let me. People talk way too much shit at school here. There are rumors going around about me and Andrew, me and Trevor, and even situations that involved prom that no one had business talking about (that i'm not involved with...). So yeah, oh well. Too annoying. I'm happy today though. Josh was bugging me in meeting, but what's new? Much love, hope everyone is hapy. If not, call me. We'll try to fix it.

2001-05-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

Yay the blog i wrote yesterday posted, good deal. I was just at a nice family evening and my uncle asked about taylor. He kinda low-keyed the question in case of the answer being negative, as it was, and i think he was astonished at my truthly negative answer. He didn't expect it. And Ashton was standing right there, he shot this look at me and said..." He's not??????" in a tone that made it sound like he was the one being broken up with. Ash really loved Taylor. He's the older brother that he doesn't have. But it's been a month since the break-up. Sad that it was a month on Taylor's birthday. He said his birthday wasn't too fun, and he said his mother made a comment that he just didn't appreciate, that i won't repeat, but i'd like to say that it was truth. If I could have been able to be with him, and be a friend that would have been invited to do something special, i would have jumped at my chance. I would have somehow made this the best birthday ever. He would never be able to forget his 16th. We just had a nice conversation that lasted straight for 5 minutes online, and the hopes went way too high up. I'm trying to set them back down, because i can't deal with anymore hurt than i already must bear. I guess those past 5 minutes were too good to be true, a little too out of the recent ordinary. I came home after driving an hour and a half home on the highway, and talked to Karissa, then listened to Blink, the live album. It made me laugh and smile and remember happy things that could take my mind off of taylor. I can't even type a word beginning with a "t" without ending up writing the "aylor", even if the word is not Taylor. Its sad. I think that the freshmen should stop liking me and wasting their time with someone who can't handle a teenage relationship. They don't know what they're dealing with. Well...Blink makes me happy and friends will make me happy tomorrow. And maybe one day a relationship with a special guy will make me happy too. But that will take a lot of time. Enough for now. this blog just seems to be one sad entry after another. the problem is that at night, i feel the worst. Night is the time that I used to spend talking till the wee hours with him, and that has imprinted my brain with familiarity so that its hard to work itself out. So subconciously, nights make me sad and its hard to work through them. So i express my feelings and write my blogs and they all end up sounding the same. But this is the truth. No point in lying or hiding it. I'm not really this bad. It's better these days. I promise.

2001-05-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, I've run away, not really, but I have left town. I'm in Boonsboro, away from my town, away from my problems. As the days go by, more problems seem to arise, the freshman are making me insane! But I'm trying to be nice. I'm letting myself take time, time to have fun and play and work out my own issues. I did lots of nice shopping today, and I'm mucho happy about that. Mother's day is tomorrow and i'm doing family stuff this evening so i'm glad that i'm making the efforts. Everyone, and I mean everyone and their mother is at prom. My closest buds at out at dinner together, but i'm here so thatz sad that i won't get to have fun with them. Oh well, there is time for all of that. Today is Taylor's birthday. I called to wish him a Happy Birthday but he wasn't home. I couldn't think of anymore to do besides leave a message, so I did. But I doubt he even cared too much that I called. I wish he did still. Maybe time will solve all of this, I just have no clue and I hate not having a clue. We all know that I need to be in control of everything, and I feel this way because I'm actually in control of nothing. Amusing. Oh well, today was fun, I drove a lot, got to see my girls win the LAX championship. Didn't have to deal with my normal everyday issues, like at night having to deal with the fact taht Taylor is not going to call and we are NOT going to talk on the phone before bed. Normalcy has taken its tolls on me. But again, nothing I can do but be myself, and be better, and act like everything is fine. That is what everyone expects. No one seems to be willing to let me be sad, and maybe that is supposed to help. Who knows. Oh well, i'm coming home tomorrow to dance my heart out with an INTERESTING choreographer. I can't wait, just kidding. Then it's off to Grandma's for Mother's Day dessert. Yummy, we have many different cheesecakes. Time to go to bed now, not much fun to report. Sweet Dreams to all.

2001-05-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my basement in my silky summer p.j's with freezing cold nipples and i wish i had some more clothes on! haha. anyways...we're having a softball game next week! Amazing...and the life-sucks part of it is that auditions for the dance concert are the same day. What a coincidence. Best Bud says I have too many boats on my dock...so i've let a few a sail away. One, I have put a tarp over, because it had no engine to run it these days. So I've got two in the dock now...I think that's a good thing. I like metaphors and Mark said that its ok to use them and its ok to be a hopeless romantic. He is a goo dguy to talk to..if he could only make up his own mind about his own situations. He told me that I would make another hopeless Romantic a happy guy someday, and that made me smile. He won the boy scout badge...that reminds me of one of my boats!!! Oh dear. One-track mind. I should be doing homework but all i can think about are the pictures I've developed today and the shitty e-mail's i've gotten today and the boats on the dock. All three, the two that are running kind of, and the one with the tarp over it. Ay yi yi yi yi. hah. Oh well, today was better than Tuesday. Tuesday (the day not the band) ate me hardcore. I hope to not have to have a day like that again. It was funny..in English (That is becoming my favorite class) my teacher asked me what would be the final tep to actually push me hard enough to attempt writing book. And I don't have an answer for her, so I'm trying to find one, and its fun. its a fun task.. yahoo. I'll think on that one...i still want to leave...but I'm feeling better now. "Cuz I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you, cuz they would never do, I would never do..."

2001-05-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be alone anymore. I want those that once cared to care again. But I'm not special enough. I just want to leave this place.

2001-05-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

Oh great here I go again I'm stuck in this rut and I'm not sure how to begin- should I tell you everything? I'm feeling out of luck so I won't see you soon 'cause I know it's too soon for you to see me- if this is the last thing you do just tell me that it's o.k. for me to have these feelings for you and that it's normal to want to call you. Oh I'm dialing the phone and I'm letting it ring for hours and I'm pretending to hear your voice- Why does my heart always beat before yours does? After a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything, so I'm making myself believe in you......and this is the story of my life. Taylor- i love him. There's no denying it. I can put all of the bad times aside and remember the good ones and be happy, reminiscent of the good times is a happy thing. It doesn't make me feel as if I'm hiding my true self, the one that is still very much in love with him. I seem to have a one track mind, but that isn't always true. I'm putting myself out in the sea trying to scrounge up boys, but its kinda worthless cuz I don't want them. They are too immature. They dont have the amazing qualities that I'm used to. But my time will be wasted until some miraculous change occurs. So there! this girl that Taylor always hated- Sam, goes to my school...he hates her, thinks shes so damn ugly. And her voice is annoying. She wrote an amazing poem, about heartbreak. And I asked her for a copy. She thanked me for my interest and wrote me one. It was so nice of her, and her poem really was great. i find that amusing. Well...lets see where life will take me next. I've been driving. I just want to drive away. Be away from my problems. Then they'd all dissappear. I'm looking foreward to MAUI for winter break next year!!!!!!!! ahhhhhh i'm pressed. This is awesome. Future- unhappy thing that has potential. Much love, jen thinks I'm going to do something stupid. I'm not that bad. I know right from wrong. I don't want to live my life right now but i'll do it, and I'll grit my teeth every single moment. I'm not used to no getting what i want....

2001-05-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

December-"Take a look out into the sky, and tell me what you see. If you ask me, I see you and me. But that's just this shy boy's dream. Sometimes our wishes go unfulfilled. Sometimes our voices are never heard. Thats why I'm moving on. What I wanted was different from what it could be. Now I'm left, saying goodbye. After tonight I'm on my own. Tonight I'm all alone. Just a silhouette against the gray December skies. Goodbye doesn't mean forever you know." He can be tired of reading these, but i'm not just writing them for him- newsflash. He doesn't have to call but that doesn't mean that I won't be waiting. I'm weak to his touch, his memories, everything i have left to hold on to, i'm clutching tightly in my weak palms. My hands are always cold lacking his hand to keep them warm. In bed at night, I don't fall asleep, because I miss hearing his voice. I can't cry anymore because it hurts too much. The pain keeps holding me tightly in its grasp, not allowing me to move on. I'm not strong enough. I want to, because I know I don't deserve to live like this. He doesn't deserve my love anymore. He's pushed me away, doesn't want me anymore. Can't even pick up the phone to say hi. Yet, I lay in bed listening to my music, the kind that always sent him whining about how shitty it is. But its all feelings, expressed through songs, and i love it. I listen to the words mostly and realize that love is something I don't want to deal with again. It hurts too much. It was the most wonderful thing I've experienced, but now i'm done. I put my all into it because I thought it was forever. "Forever doesn't look so good, so forever I must try to think of ways to clean up my mess, unlock the door, its time for me to try to leave" And I'm spent. My mind is crowded by thoughts that I'm so caught up with that I can't even say them. I guess you'd call this speechless.

2001-05-05T20:37:00.000-07:00

"I'd like to hire a plane and see you in the morning, when the day is fresh i'm coming home again" i just had that quote in my head. That, on top of Liza singing Al's War today just makes me think. I'm not exactly sure what it makes me think about..but it makes me think. A lot is happening right now. Spring just kind of brings the craziness out of people, when is Carnival in Brazil again? Ben said last night that if he could be anywhere in the world last night, he'd be in carnival. Something in the air, or something in the mind of everyong is making springtime unhappy. Everyone is feeling like shit. EVERYONE is having ups and downs. Hearts are being broken and not mended by those that break them, and i'm not just talking about me. Weird things are happening without explanations, good and bad. At the same time hearts are being broken, meaningless things are being used to try and fix them, that don't work at all. So its all a big mess. What exactly is the meaning of the word home? I'm talking to Nate right now, which is just a task in itself. He's saying he has no home. Taylor says this is not his home. Enough about that, the answer will never come. Its one big open-ended question with a different separate answer and meaning to every single person in this world. Anyways, I just realized something. Somehow I manage to pick out guys that are so closed off to their own feelings, when an important thing to me, is having someone be able to open up to me and tell me what they are feeling. That is really odd, it is as if i have a radar for the guys that just don't open up. Funny how that works. Its so funny how a lot of things work to me. Its funny how promises are broken so easily. Why bother to have such thing in the world. I heard today that a friend of mine is engaged at 17 years old. This is so astonishing to me, even though i can imagine what that would be like. Even though I'm looking for hardcore commitment, i know that i haven't yet grown as a person to know if i want to be with the same person for the rest of my life. Well, let me rephrase that, I don't know if i would be certain enough to get engaged to the person this early. That is a better way to say it. So this is my blog for now. I need my music right now. But i'm prouf of myself. I was asked to try to begin to be comfortable with not having all the answers, and being okay with that fact, and i did that earlier about the thing about where home is. So, i'm getting better. Still in love, undeserving, only i know what that means.

2001-05-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

I was really mad earlier. But that wasn't the real me. So I decided to delete what I originally wrote. I went to the therepist today and with time I will learn myself and taylor will learn himself and if a friendship happens, then great. And if not, then that is going to have to be how it goes. I just can't sit and wait anymore. I have to move on. I may still love him but I have to try to keep going. And I will. Overtime, maybe he'll change and figure out what he wants, and maybe he'll call me sometime soon, and take me up on my offer for his birthday. But if he needs his distance and space then that I will give him because I need my own. I can't latch onto him anymore as much as i would like to. that isn't what he wants in a girlfriend and that isn't the kind of person anyone would really necessarily want. I am a sensitve caring person and it is my nature to be this way. I will not change for anything or anyone, because I am me and that is the way it is. I'm going to Marisa's tonight for a party. And even though i have my wishes, that is all they must be. Because he is so far away. Much love, I'll be home this weekend for people, to talk to and such.

2001-05-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well well, another day gone by where I managed to get all my work done, and such, so that it doesn't look like I'm a slacker, but when it comes down to it, i really am. My dad thinks its cause i'm not challenged enough. But if that were the case, I probably would have understood what was going on in Chemistry today. Poor Jen, I love her to death. I hate to see her sad, and she doesn't deserve to be told she copies people, and she doesnt' deserve to bear other people's problems. I will always be here for her. When I go to California, start my new life, we'll still be together. I think she should even move out with me so we can start our restaurant. Next winter I'm going on college visits in CA, to check out the ones I already have hopes for. Northern CA looks like my ultimate destination. I have my eyes set on Stanford, but I suppose I should keep my eyes open for now. Well, I've had a fine day. I helped Taylor out with his spanish project this morning. That was fine. I was so tired last night, I actually went to bed early. The O's game was fun, though it brought me memories. Those pesky memories. Yesterday my spanish class was tlkaing about how much of a "mom" i am and how good of a mother I would be later on in life. And Eduardo makes a comment that really pissed me off, as if I were some type of whore or something. He goes, "And you're going to wait awhile to become a mother, right??" and it seems all innocent now, but if you were in the class, it'd seem quite the contrary. Well...today has been boring. We're making beach plans and such, which is definatly brightening my spirits. Good day today, so far. We'll see how it goes. I suck at driving, I really don't see the "good driver" status anywhere ahead for me. Tata...

2001-05-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

My feet hurt, damned sandals. I wish Ray would call me again. I can take my mind off of everything when we talk. It is the greatest feeling. I can sit there, laugh at his jokes, makes some of my own, and listen as he laughs at mine. What fun conversations. I wish days were back to last year, when things were ok with Taylor and I. When we could sit there and joke around, and everything would be ok. We fight so much nowadays, maybe there's something hidden, something that neither of us see that makes us so irritable. Maybe one day it will show itself. Oh well. I read Jen's blog, and I felt bad. We do only ever talk about my problems. And I noticed taht before she mentioned it, i'm not a terrible friend. And I like to think I tried to ask her her problems, and I asked her to talk to me. I let her know I was here anytime for her, to listen and help anytime. Am I just hard to talk to? If Taylor can't do it, and Jen can't do it, and they are two of the very closest people to me, then is it me again? God dammit. I've got to either analyze more or just stop analyzing and let myself go with the flow. What a dumb saying. Oh well. Anyways. today is a tipsy day. It's been up and down. But overall, it's been pretty good. I'm going to the O's tonight with my dad. MORE FOOD FOR ME. I should realy be doing my AB rocker, right?? haha. I eat all this food and thenn complain about how large I am. bahaha. I amuse myself. I have no problem with the way I look actually, excep t that my forehead is too big and my face wrinkles up to much when I smile. But hey at least I'd be smiling. Well...today has been nothing to complain about. I hope to talk to Taylor and I hope everything is ok. All these hopes, when will the answers come? I'm bored...hey anyone who reads this occasionally and wants to do something with me on Saturday, lets move! (haha now i'm stealing Ray's sayings). when will i ever stop. I feel like I'm wearing a hat, but I'm not. I'm a crazy crazy gal. Much love and hugs (cuz they're nice and make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.).

2001-04-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I was mean and stubborn and upset when i wrote the last blog that I didn't think about what I was saying until it was too late. Taylor doesn't deserve what I said, so I apologized. And here i am doing it again. I'm blaming everyone but the problem. I gues that my mistakes were the ones to lead to this, inevitably. I guess I just figured that I had tried so hard, and I had made up for it. We were still having sex, which to me, signified that things were okay. Because that is the most special thing I share. And it won't be shared for a good long while, and I don't even want to think about it anymore. I want him happy. That is what I would like t see most. A glimmer in his eye of happiness. Whether that be with another girl, or still single or in any type of situation, I want to be there. This is what I want to see. I love this guy. And seeing him happy, would make me a happier girl. I want to be happy too. Somehow it will happen, because of the wonderful friends that I have and the help i'm getting from all around. I'm lucky to at least get moments like these when I think that everything is going to work out for the best. My decieving dreams even aide to this, because they are happy. Even if they never come true, they are happy. Happy thoughts to remember. I love Taylor, and one day it will all be ok, somehow, somewhere. I said it, and that, I never will take away. I'm keeping him. Be it as it must, as a friend, i will accept.

2001-04-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Blow was good, the movie. It was a nice fun friendly evening. I did a good job and i had fun. It was ok being with him. Nice and friendly, just as i said. It was fine being at the movies. It was fine talking to him online. It wasn't fine tlaking to him on the phone. He just doesn't care. And if he does, he has a terrible way of showing it. So, I opened up to him yet again, and yet again he got tired. The second time we got off the phone, I just continued crying. But I'm sure it doesn't phase him one way or another. He just wants me to stop loving him. He wants me to move on he says. Funny how he expects me to just do it. And its funny to me how I'm not. Because I usually do whatever he says. Last night when i just layed in bed, I thought, a lot. I realized that I'm still trying to prove to him my love for him. I'm still doing it, from when he asked way back when, during one of our conversations, well arguments the one involving whether or not i said that he bitched me out. He asked me to think. And hey you know what Taylor, I'm still thinking. There are so many things that I really shouldn't have put up with, but I did as well, because I love him. That is my reasoning. dammit. i'm attempting to give up again we'll see this time. But i'm just still not ready. I'm still hoping for another try. Not a second chance, but another try. Because him giving me a chance makes him seem like he's done nothing wrong. And makes me look like the bad guy. I was turned into the bad guy last night. And maybe I am, but I've made up for it in so many ways. And if he can't see that or appreciate it, then i'm sorry for him. Because I am a good person. I'm clinically sick and maybe that isn't much of an excuse, but it sure counts for a bit. Maybe I should have been the one to break it off months ago when i did all the screwing up, because of my poor judgement. But I loved him enough to show him that i cared. I don't know if this is going to make him hate me more. All i know is taht maybe i'm the bad guy. But my intentions make up for it. I love him. I want him to be happy, and I want to be the one that makes him happy. But i want him to want to be happy first. He must overcome that first. More time and effort has gone into him. And i don't see it as a waste. But I see it more as good times. Its sad that he only remembers the bad things. And even worse that I only remember the good ones. What to do now? More later...Ray wrote me back. But he seems to not want me as a friend either. Oh well...much love. From me to all...wishing that I could only recive what i'm giving. and i also wish he cared...

2001-04-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

This should be an interesting evening...more to come. stay tuned to see what's up...

2001-04-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

What have I done? I have allowed myself completely to another person. Someone who I believed would allow us to last. Someone who I thought I knew well enough to know what I knew. Someone who I love. Yet in this mess of confusion, It really was me at fault all along. I tendered to every need. Anything he needed, wanted or mentioned I tried my utmost best to achieve or get for him. It is like a mother and her baby, if you raise it to have everything then that is what it will expect. At your first sign of weakness, there is an emptiness. He felt that he wasn't making me feel any better. He felt a bit unnecessary. But when I noticed that that is what I thought he was thinking, I'd put on my mask to show that I was ok, for him to be ok. And that was my mistake. Maybe I want someone to spoil. And maybe I want someone to spoil me. I've mentioned before that I want someone to love me for who I am, and to want to be with me often. I want some imaginary person. Yet, in my struggle, I see that I can't bear to believe that I want anyone but Taylor. If I wanted someone else, I could do it. I could put out, or do that thing I do that just makes it happen. I'm not saying I'm proud of myself. But I'm saying that if I wanted someone enough, anyone, just to make me feel loved, I could and would do it. But I don't. Is that what i'm supposed to prove? Am I even supposed to prove anything? Really, I just want a happy life. With the one person I love. I got to see him today, for about 45 seconds. Those 45 seconds mean so much for me today. I can't even explain. Just being able to see him made it a bit easier. What to do? What to do now? This is the question. I had some tea today, did a lot of thinking, talked to Jen, didn't feel alone. Got an e-mail from Ray. Asked my uncle to take me to Boston with him this weekend. Maybe I do just need to get away. Who knows. At this point, I'm all mixed up. But I believe fortunes, or at least, I like the quotes. This was from my fortune cookie: If the show fits, it's probably your size. The truth that is beyond the outer shell. And this ws a quote from Meet Joe Black: What will we do now? It'll come to us. I find way too much to find meaning in. Confusing huh? Try talking to me.

2001-04-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

Just when you think everything is going ok, and an evening starts out a bit rough, somehow it manages to get worse in a matter of seconds. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse. For some reason, it seems that, when I run away and don't think about it all, like when i go to school, or during the week when i don't have to concentrate on it as much, I'm ok. But when I see him, with his fan club and Kelly and everyone, it just gets worse. When I'm with him, I distance myself, I don't tell him what my problems are, because he doesn't need to hear them. He can't fix them, because what i want isn't what he wants anymore. Another reason he doesn't need to hear them is beacuse he doesn't need the burden of them rested uon his shoulders. it seems he's got enough of his own, why would he need mine too? this is funny because we are back to square one. Neither of us telling each other anything, mostly pretending that everything is ok. Which is how it used to be. The only thing i talked about with the psychologist yesterday was taylor. and i asked her if that was a problem. she said no, because when we talk baout him since he's so important to me, we can learn things baout me in the process. that made me feel better. I was excited to see taylor last night, but the circumstances were far from great. its too soon to be in the same room with him when he has girls fawning all over him. Maybe I'm just like them, in many ways. Of course i feel competition. I always did. And look, i didn't win. Not a surprise. I was getting better this week. I really felt better. I felt like I could do anything. But-now, I feel pushed aside, alone and confused. Last night I asked Taylor to call me when he got home. I think I wanted to tell him what was wrong, because i just wasn't able to talk to him in the techno room at GC. So he called, and somehow I managed to piss him off. Not my intention by any means. I wanted to talk to him, but I think i felt like he realy wasn't able to hear it. So I tried changing the subject. And that worked to my disadvantage. After about 3 minutes of lame conversation, he was too annoyed, that he had to go. And There was nothing i could say to make him talk to me. That is the worst feeling in the world. All i want to do is talk to him. yet, there was nothing i could do. so i waited. I waited, hoping he'd call me back, tell me what was wrong. talk to me about all that has been bothering him. but that was a dream from a far off place. I don't know why i wastd my time waiting for him. But I did. and i cried as i waited. because i was sad. and i'm out of control. i have no control love my own life. It is like i am the puppet and he is the puppetteer. also a terrible feeling to know you don't have any control over your own life. somehow i feel asleep in my blue chair last night waiting. i woke up at 3, took out my contacts and went to sleep. He wasn't calling back. But i had always known. what reason would he have to call me back? I only waited up for him because I love him and I care and I wanted to give him somone to talk to, who would listen. Maybe someday he'll realize it. But he just has the kind of personality where he deals with things on his own...but is he really deaing with them? The reason i'm taking this so hard is because I feel like nothing has changed. Nothing in the relationship changed from being out of the ordinary and all of a sudden i found myself broken up with. Not a happy place. I need to e-mail taylor right now, try to make some plans for sunday if I still hopefully will get those.

2001-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

Oh how things have changed. Its defiantly a blower that he likes other people. Wow what a shock. Funny how just about three weeks ago he was saying how he’d love me forever. How times have changed. Amazing how fast he’s moved on. I guess his not wanting any commitment days will be over soon enough. Its unfortunate that I can be in love with someone, then they lose it, but I am still. I’m still very much in love with that person. He’s always been chick magnet, yeah he hates it, but it’s always been the truth and it always will be. It seems he’s had girls throwing themselves at him since he was born. And it continues to happen. I shouldn’t have had to deal with that. But girl by girl, I somewhat got over the jealousy of each new one that would come into the picture that called often or that he saw often. I think I’m pretty good with assuming…Kelly likes him, I called that one in Miami. I think I called a lot of them. But then again, maybe by the time I had called them, he had already known. That was probably the case. He’s a cute boy, and cares about everyone’s feelings. He picks up new friends upon first words spoken with people. And he’ll always be there to listen to their feelings. Maybe he too puts others’ feelings before his own. And maybe he should realize that. Maybe he should also stop pushing me away. He tells me that I am his best friend, or one of them. Yet, he just won’t talk to me. He silently refuses to ask me to listen to his feelings, what his needs are, and what his wants are. I want to help. I’m hinting and offering so much that sometimes that is all our conversations consist of. He called me today. That was happy. I was glad to be recognized as a part of his life. It made me happy. And I actually admitted to the fact that I was upset with him for not calling and such. And he apologized. No fight, no nothing. It was amazing. What wonders come out of friendships, or maybe its just the way things work when one person doesn’t love someone anymore. We’re reading a man’s personal essay in English, about his life in the concentration camp, and not necessarily his actions there, but his feelings towards his life there. I just finished reading the part about his love for his wife, whom he held so close, and never forgot. He said beautiful things about her. Words that really made me want to cry. One day I’d like to have a husband feel for me the things that this man felt for the love of his life. One day I’d like to find someone who loves to be lovee a lot, who loves to be cared for, and loved, and who will make me feel the same. I’d like to find someone who will reach for my hand while casually walking, or who would gently stop me just to kiss me. I want it back. Even though this man didn’t know that his wife had lost her life while he was taken prisoner, he still believed that her spirit lived within him. And what a beautiful way to feel a person. Sometimes, when Taylor and I were together, I could think about him and know that he was thinking about me too. Those were the days when I’d get home and there would be a message waiting for me, from him, on my machine. The weekends when I would wake up, and get a phone call. The happy times really stick. There were times when we’d look into each others’ eyes, and nothing would matter to us, anywhere in the world, but each other. It was a perfect fit at times, in physical and emotional status. I just can’t help but wonder what will come next. I wrote a poem when we broke up back in February. It was sad, but one of the best poems I have ever written. It’ll be up here soon enough. “I’ll call your cellular phone, to tell you t.v. night was lonely without you, and so am I”. I miss our boring lazy weekends, when I could just lay in his arms and feel so loved.

2001-04-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

Let me just begin by saying that I am sick and tired of the male population screwing with my pretty girls’ hearts. I have many examples- Tara and DJ, Kamissa and Mark and Megyn in the triangle, Jen and Billy, Myself and the love of my life. They’re all similar convictions, however they are all also very different. I’m being forgotten. I can even give an example. I called to wake him up this morning. What a nice thing for me to do. I do so and expect him to wake me up. No call. I’m late. Funny what one phone call can do, or not do. I’m sure he has a good reason. He always does. But still, just the fact and the past couple days seem to follow along in that same pattern. Late calls, and he’s just too tired. So more days go by that I haven’t talked to him about anything remotely important. What happened to my best friend? But enough, if he feels like the friendship is working, lucky him. If he can comprehend my feelings, maybe he’ll do something about it. But who knows if he cares enough to even read these anymore. I’m afraid, when I finally get my journal back from him, I’ll never see him again. Sad, but as of now, I have NO reason to believe any different. I’m happy for Hannah and Josh. I really am, though I’m bitter when they are all lovee right next to me. But I’m still happy that they can work things out. That shows so much character and so much love. Good for them.
Enough of that. I’ve got my friends. The ones who care enough to call or send a quick e-mail. We all seem to need each other now. We are all having rough times. And I mean all of us. The posse has really taken it hard. We’re going to have a girlie weekend. Whenever that can be, cuz we’re all so damned busy. Daddy is home. That makes me happy. Third day in a row that I’m happy. This stuff is really starting to work. I’m motivated in school these days. Go me. Ha ha, its not as bad as “I rock!”. Haha. I’m actually doing good things in softball, who woulda thought? I wonder if Ray will ever call me back…I’m amused that Trevor and I are pretending nothing happened, and basically aren’t speaking. But that is defiantly for the best. I need more maturity, not less.
I got some good feedback on my English personal essay. I think it’ll be an entry sometime soon, as will some Get Up Kids, and Dashboard lyrics for Taylor. I’m not giving up. It’s not happening. But if he didn’t already know that, I think things would be better. He knows I’m still hanging on. But that is me. He must love me for me. But it seems that that’s over. Oh well. I’ll just keep loving him anyway. I’ll be me, who suffers. But I’m ok nowadays. I’ll be fine.

2001-04-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

Have no fear, Paul has been found. I know everyone was fretting, but its all ok now. Haha...i hadn't talked to him in like a month and a half, and i didn't know what was up but he's out of seclusion now and back in the game. Something he said about a hook-up gone wrong. Thatz Paul for ya...haha. Ok well, I had a nice day today...that makes two in a row, and I think I'm no a roll. I got lots of work to do and maybe i'll do it, hopefully i will. Oh well...softball was fun, I seem to get really bossy in softball ( as if I'm not bossy in everything else). Oh god, the guys on the Roosevelt guys LAX team were so ugly, i could go on and on...i'm in such a good mood, and I'm loving it!!! Except for the fact that I was just given some info that I knew I'd be getting but I hoped it wasn't the case...Good old friend of mine seems to only want to party these days...sad news, but we'll deal. I am so nosy into other people's lives, maybe its cuz i got nothing going on in mine...yeah that must be it. I love how taylor calls me then goes to sleep, or he goes to sleep, wakes up remembers to call me, then goes to sleep. That hurts my feelings. It makes me feel so damned unimportant to him. Its like I get no e-mails, no time in person, and now no phone time. aren't friends supposed to get something? Oh well, I'll see him on Friday, I'll wait to see how that goes, before i let it upset me. See i can control it now. Good for me. I'm done, i got nothing else to say, except that Hank saved my life with information that will keep me sane. Haha. Peace out my homies, and much love.

2001-04-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. It was one great day actually. I can't believe I've been going throughout the day on 2 hours of sleep, sad I know. Oh baby, but today I was a happy girl. You'd wonder why, seeing how taylor basically layed it out straight for me- we aren't getting back together. As much as i love him. Maybe its just for the best. Maybe in the future, we'll have a happy ending...who knows. We did some freewriting in English, I wrote a little story. My characters didn't have names but everyone knew who they were. My story had a happy little ending. I liked it. It was about two friends, who stayed friends, into the future, they just always cared enough to keep the friendship. That's my goal now, but I've decided I'm not trying any harder than he is this time. It will be an equal shot or nothing. Because I'm tired of trying so hard right now. I kinda just want everything to appear at my feet, I'm such a snob. But fuck it. That is my attitude today. I'm just saying, let whatever happen, happen, and that I will take as it comes. Taylor is a fun boy. I still love him very much. But we're friends. I hope that sometimes, he'll save a day on the weekend for me, for us to hang out. That would be fun. I'm tired of waiting around hoping that he'll want me back. I'm just dealing today. I just want to be friendly with him. I don't need him now anymore than he doesn't need me. We don't seem to be dependent on each other and that i guess is a plus. Enough about him...too much time, devoted to subjects that i just try too hard for these days. I like being happy. And i like laughing, and I like being humorous. I do. I do. I wonder who will call me at 1 am anymore? I hope taylor never hesitates. Cuz I'm still here for him. Just as a friend this time. allright i'm drifting back to him again, time to stop now. peace out, much love, and i WANT BLINK TIX...yahoo!!!!!!!!!

2001-04-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

breaking, i'm losing, i'm losing grip on what i know while trying to stay on my feet. time's passing, leaves changing, leaving nothing but a faded memory of what i used to call my own. well i'm locked up from inside, all that's left to do is hide, i'm understanding where we stand. time is coming to a hault, maybe now it's time i start to see things coming to and end...i never thought, that it would ever end, that it would ever come to this subliminal i've traveled far. now i've gone a long way, and my love will not desist before i leave this all behind.

----twice in november~aberdien, telling my life story, but no one will ever understand.

2001-04-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

Here comes fairness to bite me in the ass again. I'm not letting Taylor sit on the phone and listen to me cry right now. He doesn't want to. So i'm not gonna let him. Yes, I kissed Trevor. Yes, i felt nothing. Yes, I regret it. and Yes, i'm not in any position to try to move myself along for getting over Taylor. Sorry, I screwed myself over. Sorry I tried to do what I thought everyone wanted me to do. Sorry that I still love Taylor. Sorry that now I can't have him because I kissed Trevor. Danny says if he really cared, he's let it slide. As much as I wish taht were true, that isn't Taylor. He doesn't let that kind of stuff slide, and once again, look at this: its my fault. But who wasn't expecting that? It is my fault. It really is, and maybe it always was. I'm being told that this is what we always go through. That it will never stop, so why do i still want him? Because, I love him. I feel it, and the love is what matters to me most. He wanted me to help myself, so that's what i'm doing. He didn't seem very friendly for awhile, he seemed distant, I figured he was moving on, but how was i supposed to know what he was doing if he didn't tell me? I try the be the best friend to him. Hell, I still try to be the best girlfriend, even though I'm not. I was happy with Taylor. I didn't look at any other guys, because they weren't him. I didn't need, nor want them. And now I don't even get Taylor. My life is sad. I wait and wait and wait for him. I try to move on, then later i find out, i would've possibly gotten my dream, now who knows. We drove each other crazy, but we were together so long because we love each other. Now what? I still love him. I still want to make it work, I bet I will still wait. and this time I'm listening to myself and doing what is right for me. Maybe then I won't screw up. Maybe then he'll love me. I just don't know. I regret what I did. I kinda laughed about it afterwords, about how stupid I was. I wasn't planning on telling Taylor, because I figured he wouldn't have told me. And I also figured that since it meant nothing to me, that it was not him, which meant that it had no feeling at all. I needed that to tell me what i needed to know, if what i needed right now was to move on. And it told me- that I didn't. Now I really don't know what to do. I love Taylor god fucking dammit. And that is it. That is the truth. And yes, this makes me sad. It also makes me sad, that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or now. If the love was strong enough, as I thought it was, he should have known then. But, then who knows what they want at this age. Maybe I'm just mature enough to have figured it out. Maybe so...i want him back. And I've worked hard for it. But its not paying off.

2001-04-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

I keep wondering if anything is going to change. So i go to his Blog, and hope that he's added one, but nope, no luck. Whatever, I pass it off, and say to myself, "maybe next time." But the next time just isn't coming...i'm not getting any insight about what is going to happen. All I seem to have to go on is my thoughts, which according to everyone are always wrong...and maybe they are. I think that sometimes, I make scenerios in my head, so that when i find out they aren't true, I'm happier. I seem to have my good days and bad days, and maybe if I knew where things were going i'd be able to have more good days. He sure hasn't said a word. And I'm just going to assume that the friends thing is going to stick, because I haven't heard otherwise. Its funny how you say things are going to last forever, that together you will work through everything, yet now its only one of us who still thinks this way. Helping me better as a friend isn't what I need. And I think deep down he knows that. But I think that it is just time for him to move on. Experience others. Its sad that every time i think about experiencing others, and I talk with people, and I hug people, my mind just drifts back, to hopes of still being back together with him. That seems to be what i want right now, as if we all can't see this yet...I write my poems, and write in my journal, that he still has, and i write in this thing, but it doesn't acomplish anything. It enables me to vent, but nothing gets across. I think i will be frustrated until i learn to make it get across. and until i realize that it isn't me not getting across, i'm being perfectly clear, its him not understanding, or something else, that I'M not understanding. Talking about sex positions with other people is definatly depressing, let me just tell you. I need to take my pill, I need to do laundry, i need to figure out what the hell i'm going to do with my hair, maybe i'll just rinse it blonde (rinse out the color, and dye it blonde). Poor Jen, and Kim and me, our parents restrict us so hardcore, but we are good girls. We don't screw up. We haven't had the chance to screw up. But if they gave us the chance, and we did, then we can be restricted, but why now? what the fuck have we done wrong? they need to let us take our own responsibility, and when we screw up then they can bitch, but we haven't done anything wrong!ahhhhh...the lemons life brings you. bah! untzsa untzsa untzsa

2001-04-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the 20th, was an interesting day. I was ok. Only cried in the morning, because the day was just plain shitty. It got better, but by the very end, it was not great again. I went to the dance, which didn't even start until about 9:30. Hung out with Trevor for awhile. I tried to just put it all behind me. And I had a great time dancing. But I don't even feel right hugging my guy friends. It isn't what i want. This whole time, I just want Taylor to hold me, and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want him to understand, that this is so hard for me, not what i want, and that I'm going to need awhile. I tried to do the right thing last night, but I ended up just making more mistakes. Anna slept over. She asked me to tell her about how Taylor and I met, and how that whole thing began. And I did, and I did it with a big smile on my face. It is a happy story. Happy how we saw each other at Phantas. Happy how i fell in love with him right there. I thought he felt the same way then, only to find out that he had had a thing for Melanie. I guess I have such a problem with her because Nate got with her pretty fast after letting me go, and Taylor liked her when we started going out. Funny how she appears in both situations, and I see it as she beat me in a competition. You put yourself in that situation, and you think about how YOU would feel. I think that is what everyone is failing to do. Everyone but Chacha, and few others. I may be depressed, screwed up, whatever you want to say, but I also have the things to be upset about that anyone else in my position would also be sad about. People need to start looking at the way I am seeing all of this. Yes, I'm in love with someone. He has broken up with me. Everything is dissappearing. The phone calls are shorter, there is no time anymore to hang out, he's just too busy. And its all so fast. I'm finally getting better, but that doesn't seem to matter. It seems to have nothing to do with the situation anymore. I dyed my hair today. Maybe it was only in pure efforts to do something to win Taylor over again. But I did it, and I'm not pleased with it at all, just my luck it seems. Everyone has left me home alone. Taylor's show was cancelled, so I don't get to see him. Who knows when the next time will be. Everyone is busy with their own lives. Poor Jen and I sat on the phone crying to each other about our lives and how we wish they could be different. Its all just too much right now. Maybe she and I will spend tonight catching up, talking, and doing whatever we do that make us giggle so much. Maybe I can go a night without talking about taylor. I doubt it. It hasn't happened yet. It isn't what I want to do. I want to talk about him till my heart's content, but Jen is the only one who realy understands. She is the one who really listens. I want to feel like a princess again. I used to, but now its all changed. I don't know what that means.

2001-04-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a week, and today would have been our year anniversary. Amazingly, I just remembered this. Not once have I thought about it today. I've thought about him quite a lot, but not about the anniversary. Good for me. I went to Taylor's game last night, sat out there in the freezing cold, talking with his mom and Ben, wondering if it actually mattered to him that I was there, or if he was annoyed that I'm sticking so close. Two beautiful geese flew overhead, at the game last night. They were really cool, and me, the mushy, lovey one saw it as a huge sign. Everyone must think I'm totally crazy, but it was like amazing to see these two geese, flying so close to each other, never letting an inch come between. What a pretty picture. How happy the geese must be...Our phone conversations are becoming less and less, fewer per day, and shorter amounts of time spent talking as well. He seems to be fine. I wish I could say the same. I'm not struggling, but I am having a hard time. I really miss him. And I truly love him, and I want to be able to show it again. But, nothing has been going in the "lets get back together direction" so things are looking grim for our heroes. Maybe it is time to start getting back into the single scene, though I can't say I even know what that is. I haven't been in this situation for about a year and a half. Wow, I can't even believe I've just said what i said. I must be crazy. It isn't happening yet. There is no way i need to start looking around, because all i still want is him. I can be so blind sometimes. I say he's the blind one but look at me. I carry myself to places cuz i think its the RIGHT thing to do. Or that other people would see me as doing the right thing, but no....i need to do the right things for me, which is wait around, see what happens with taylor, and then move on, if that is what i must. I'm waiting to help taylor. He is confused, and i still want him. I didn't want this breakup but i'm doing it to help him. If he comes to the miraculous conclusion that he wants me back, so be it, we'll discuss it. If not, then i'll make my way of moving on. I'm so frustrated with Torch (our SGA). And I'm so frustrated with my western civ teacher. I need SLEEP!!!! AHHH i need people to make decisions, smart ones, that benefit everyone. ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you chacha!!! Hey...some kid in front of me was going untzsa, untzsa, untzsa today, and i thought of taylor. hahahaha. time to go watch some baseball and LAX. I have no softball cuz it is a lame sport and we are lazy and never have practice. THatz the kind of sport for me baby! Peace and much love. Hey nate left and def. never said goodbye, what the hell is that?

2001-04-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

I must be pretty damn weird. But its all good. Weird, and different is good. We didn't dance in dance today. So i was feeling deprived. I came home and i just listened to my music in my room and danced my heart out, literally. I was just making up random dances, doing random movements, wondering if I should give in to the dance teacher and choreograph a dance. That is something I would never do. It is, but isn't. I could do it but I'm so reserved. Maybe it would be a good thing, take my mind off of other things. I may really suck at dance, but i enjoy it. I couldn't help but think when i was dancing in my room how much i love performing. I love just being out there, smiling, making people laugh, and i even enjoy the attention. It makes me feel appreciated even if they are laughing at me cuz i look so stupid. But the whole time i was thinking about taylor, and how, in June we have a dance concert, and how much i just want him to be there. I want to perform for him. I want him to see me in my happiest place. Performing. He hasn't seen me happy enough in a long long time, and i just want him there. Crazy things happen when you are the happiest you can be. When my whole family was at one of my softball games once, I hit my first homerun, and i was so happy. And there are just people in your life at times, when you want them with you most. I've been much happier today, catching up with people I don't usually talk to, or rebuilding old friendships that were in need of it. I'm already feeling better. I feel like I could take on anything. I've thought about him alot, wondering if there are any secret things that he wants, but that are just those things that you keep to yourself, and hope they come true. I have a lot of those, especially right now. I'm into surprises, I'm wondering if he's hoping for any. He's not the surprise type, but maybe he just never shared those little things with me. But maybe I'm disillusioning myself again, but when he says that he doesn't want me to come to his game tomorrow, is it cuz he just doesn't want to? is he looking out for me, cuz the weather will be cold? Or does he actually want me to come, and doesn't want to make me feel obligated? There are little things that show affection, of even just simple care for another person, that can be shown in actions, and one is just to be somewhere to support them. If they are on a team, to just be there to cheer them on. Knowing that you have fans in the stands cheering for you, gives some people the greatest thrill, and gives them every reason to be happy. I remember i really wanted him to come to the airport with my dad when they picked me up from Miami. Just seeing him would have made me. It really would have. He had a scheduling conflict but if he could have been there, he would. And then for Valentine's day, what a sad day turned bright. I cried happy tears that day. Even though we were going through yet another rough time, he still came through, with what he knew would make me smile. "A tear twinkled in my eye as soon as i saw that you left me" i just said that to jenny though i don't think it was her i should have said it to first. Though it was many more than one tear, I still love him. And I'm feeling better, more confident. I'm no longer waiting for him really, I'm looking at myself and looking at what it is that i want to do. Right now I just want him to be beside me, in whatever way he feels is best for him. He could be here as friend, or- as my boyfriend. We still love each other. It's still there. But its all changing. And I accept that. Luckily, there is much chance that it could change in the way I'd like. We'll see....

2001-04-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

So i went to a therepist yesterday. Told her about my depression, and now I'm on a nutritional vitamin medication type thing. I'm already starting to feel better. I now feel like I have someone to listen to me that knows how to help, that knows that i'm not just making it up that I'm always sad, or something that thinks i just like to be miserable. I love taylor. She said that its a nice thing to just have a break from someone that you've been with for a long time. And she said that if we end up getting back together, she hopes it works out. I'm glad there is someone to tell me the truth, to help me, and to even tell me what i want to hear, in words that sound good. I just stood in the shower today, thinking about how much he cared when i told him how sick i was last night. And this morning, how he called. Even if he's only a friend right now, he is one great guy. And i am lucky to have him here for me. I still want him. I still want him. I want him back. I really do. Feelings are being mended, problems are being worked out...the path is becoming clearer. God fucking dammit i love him. Gotta go dance now...learn new ways to open my mind and express myself, through movements. I love dance.

2001-04-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

There is something about feeling this way that makes you want to think and write, and think and write, and do it all three times over until something gets through to someone, or until he finally understands and eventually you are happy again. You don't want t repeat yourself, but you feel as if it is the only way to possibly get him to understand. This time you are wondering what it is you should do with all the memories. All the happy thoughts. They can't do much for you now, cuz you aren't making them anymore. The weirdest thing is...you've been thinking most about the subject that means to least to you. You shared with him, a part of you, you will never be able to share with anyone. You gave yourself to him, as he did to you. In that, and about every other respect, he knows you best. He knows how you like it when he places his hands on your jaw and neck when he kisses you. And he knows the little things you love when you had sex. He knows all these. And you know his. But what will he do with them now, put them in the back of his mind to forget about them? What else is there for him to do? You get so easily into the groove of things and you just don't want to rush out of them. You are comfortable. Very comfortable. You are so glad you still have a close friendship and you will never let that go. You have power over that, for once. But you still forever want him back. Enough or now too much for one day for some people. But for you. you could keep going. You can talk forever. because it is the way you communicate. you do it enough for both of you. but its all one-sided...i love you taylor. let this go thru your head.

2001-04-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

First day back at school. He didn't call you back last night. You woke him up. But you wouldn't have called if you had known he was sleeping. He said he'd call back in 5 minutes. You knew he wouldn't. You knew he would fall back asleep. But you couldn't fall asleep until about 1. Your mind was racing, wondering if he'd ever update his thoughts. That was your only way to be clued into his feelings which you are entitled to hear. You wonder if maybe one day he'll call you WANTING to spill his emotions because you are the one that cares and would love to listen and hear them. Though all you really want now is answers. You are being dragged along wondering and wondering if he just hasn't come to conclusions, or if he's too blind to see them, or if he won't accept them. He says you are always being mean to him. If he wants a real conversation. If he wants me to speak my mind I'd sit there telling him of all the truths i've ever known. Telling him of the depths of my love. But it would go in one ear and out the other. You really don't feel as if he truly understands. So, you put up a face, or- front (if you will) and you are playful. But he takes it as you being mean to him. Wrong. He needs to tune into you. More importantly, he needs to tune iunto himself. Figure out what it is that makes him care so much about what others think of him. He needs to figure out many things, things that if you were to tell him, he would tell you that you were wrong. Because he thinks that since you aren't very strong, you are in no place to tell him about himself. You want to be with him. But he just isn't telling you what he wants. But there's still a friendship. a relationship in which feelings need to be expressed. You love him so much it hurts. It hurts a lot. And you just don't know how to deal. But you are trying as best as you know how. Enough for now. Taylor, i doubt you remember that i'm writing these...so if you are- update yours, so i can have some way of knowing what is going on. I'm in this too, but i have no leads. I love you.

2001-04-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

.THIS IS THIS MORNING: So this is hard. Everything about this is hard. Its hard to talk to him at night. Its hard to not say I love you. Its hard to see other happy couples and remember that you used to be that way. Its hard to see him check out other girls, which you are already noticing. And its hard to have dreams about him making out with other girls while you are right there. But this is the beginning of the healing process, which seems to you as the hurting process. You must push yourself harder to not miss him. Your non-existant self-confidence tells you what he doesn’t, That he doesn’t want you anymore. That you don’t bring him the happiness you once did. You still wish all would work out for the best, but you seem to be the only one that thinks so. But this is only a good day. A day where you know what your mission is, and you must accept it. Because it is out of your hands, its in his. You know where nothing is going. No one does. He might, but he might not want to accept it yet, so he’ll be blind to it. On bad days, who knows what could happen. It could be a day filled with tears and memories and you’ll continue to wish that your dreams will still come true. You feel loved today. You don’t need him as much as he doesn’t want you today. But its just today. You know the love will stay with you until you get the closure that you need. The thoughts still reign in your head…what if he does want to try again. Wouldn’t that be a great day. But would it be fair to have to go through all of this pain now? Would that be fair to you? Well, fairness doesn’t seem to have its turn in this game. But dreams come from near and far and no one can truly know what will happen…
THIS IS TODAY, AFTER 6 PM: Your day went from fine, to depressing. Everything reminded you of him, and i mean everything. The cherry blossom trees, the silver Oakley's you saw in the window of the closed sunglass store, your family sitting at the dinner table playing games with the placemat, reminding you that the last family dinner out, he came along. You get frustrated because he just doens't understand. You are trying and trying to work harder. You don't know if, this is just a good long break away from each other, or if this is a done deal. If it is a break, you want to work so hard on yourself. And you are already making good progess. You are further along to everyone who knows you. Everyone, except him, it seems. You don't know whether to hope its a break or not. And you don't know what things you should or shouldn't do. You don't know if you should go to prom with someone, just to be nice and give them a date. It'd be a nice evening out. But long ago, you made a pact that you wouldn't go with anyone because you were tied into a relationship that you loved. You know that you both would be jealous even if there was no reason to be, if you both went to prom. You don't know what to do when all your friends tell you to go to dances, make him jealous. You don't want to do it. You don't want to keep hearing that from them, becaue you aren't that type of person. You are a nice person who doesn't deserve to feel this pain. You deserve to be happy with the one you love, that you have kept so close to your heart for the past year and in a second its all gone and YOU have to deal with it. There is more I'm thinking but like taylor, its all just too cluttered. You wonder why it all has to happen like this. You wonder if you should believe in fate. You wonder if the dreams will surface.

2001-04-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

-So this is odd, the painful realization that all has gone wrong/you'd like to think you were invincible, yeah weren't we all once, before we felt loss for the first time/As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, and sit alone and wonder, how you're making out/Well this is one time, that you can't fake it hard enough to please, everyone, or anyone at all/Phone calls from further away, and messages on my machine, but i don't ever tell you, this distance is terrible. There is no need to test my heart, with useless space/We need a connection but you see to push me far away from you. The harder i push, the further i fall.-----Dashboard quotes
I've sat here writing and deleting and writing and deleting and the process continues. Another day spent with him. Another day just happy to be in his presence, though sad to be unable to show affections. It got harder as the day progressed, to keep myself from wanting to gently kiss him. The relationship as of now, seems to work off of playful fighting, that borders the line of expressing sexual tension. You wonder what will happen, if maybe, just maybe he'll kiss you in a moment of weakness. That maybe you'll appear for one mere second, beautiful in his eyes, that he just wants to take you into his arms and give you that one kiss that will solve it all. You wish, but no luck. But the fighting is all fun and games, though you wonder why it is taken so far. You don't mind because it is the closest that you'll get to touching him. But you're pushing yourself to be friendly. You are so proud of yourself for getting through it all in one piece. You pushed the sadness aside and was able to be happy and friendly. You hope that he saw your efforts. You hope that when he reads these he really thinks about them, you hope he understands, and realizes everything is pure truth and all you want is to get through this together, and end up happy, (hopefully)-together. But anyway, its all up in the air. The answers are not available so we all lie in wait, to see what happens next. to see what his next move will be. Hoping it will be one that you both want. You hope the best will come from all of this. You know your own dreams, its his you would love to know, as well. Wow, I love him. Maybe one day my dreams will come. I love you Taylor.
Love, Bonbon

2001-04-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I wish that he could just read my mind, maybe it would all become clearer. I wish the world were fairer, and people could always be happy, they could get what they truly wanted, and live happily ever after. But life isn't that fair, and we don't all get what we want. You think you have the world in the palm of your hand. You think that everything you're doing is finally right. And then-BOOM! it all crashes before you and all you have left is to contemplate the times. But you still want it all. You still want your dreams. The dreams you made together. the dreams you shared. The things you gave to each other seem to count for nothing. This is too hard. You know that its love when the phone rings and you want to say "i love you" to the caller cuz you hope its him. You know its love when you are kept up at night wondering what the coolest thing for you to do, to make him happy, is. You know its love in so many different ways. I guess this is all too much for people sometimes. If they don't have enough strength within them to see, and have, and want and keep what they are given. You want so much for the person you love to realize it, to realize the wonders you can achieve together. But its like its being shut of of their mind. They can't stand t think of you anymore. They say they don't want a relationship with anyone, but really, they just don't want one with you anymore, and they are trying to be nice. While you're trying to be nice by letting them find themself, but desperatly hoping that they'll realize everything you can overcome. And everything you both can overcome. If you see its worth it enough, if they mean enough to you, you'll give up at nothing to try as hard as you can for the love you so desperatly want. You'll make yourself look beautiful so they can think so to, if its attraction they're seeking. You'll be playful when they want to be playful so they'll see how much of a fun person you are. And you'll listen when they are sad, because you want them to know that you are there for them and you care for them. You just wish they felt the same for you. When you give that much to them, you hope to get it back. That's what wittles you away so that you have nothing left to go on with your own life. You give, and give and give, and don't get enough back. But you let it go, because they're happy. And that was your goal. Your heart takes over at this point, it has taken over for the past year. It is your drive. You have no control. But his heart hasn't taken him over, he just doesn't love enough to let it. Or he's too scared. So you try. You try and try and try to get him to see what is in his heart. And when he finally looks deeper, he doesn't want you anymore. You are too much for him. Or you aren't enough. So you being to let the thoughts process after the crying stops. All you think of is "what can i do to make it work." And you realize that nothing will work but time itself. Time is the determining factor, and you lok to time for support and hope that one day it will prove you well. That you'll get what you dream of. And it is a true dream. But if he says he's going to be there for you as a friend. He better come through. He means too much to you to say he'll do it but never be there. You still want all you had. You still want it all. You still want to hold him when you're sad. You still want to be with him. You still want to call him to tell him you love him. And you still want to give him that last kiss godnight that makes you smile into the morning. But you can't, because he doesn't want that anymore. And that makes you cry. But dreams come from near and far and one day maybe you'll be lucky. Maybe the stars will shine on you and time will allow you to have what you love. I love you Taylor. I don't want this. I want to keep trying, try harder. It just isn't time yet.
Love, Bonbon